lol lmao lyk ttly

Just to let you know (as if you cared anyway) I'm not dead nor have I been shot down by Blackwater or tossed into Gitmo. Apparently, the government has not tapped into my phone calls yet. Anyway, I've escaped from my imprisonment in that cursed institution where powerful leaders keep us locked up in little rooms for five to seven hours a day in small groups and force into mindnumbing exercises created to torture. Our education system is a beautiful thing. But lo and behold, summer, that grand fiery scorching savior has come upon us and freed us from our prisons. Now instead of being stuck all day at school, I'm stuck all day in my house.

So with all this extra time I have to attach my cerebellum to the life-giving device known as the internet, I've recently become aware of a dangerous disease that is gripping the nation and todays pop culture. I have named it "lolitis" (because it's deadly symptoms simply make you lol) and it's symptoms are the loss of ability to speak and write proper english, forgetting pronunciation, deleting semi-colons from our writing, and dumbing down our society. It's an epedemic, I tell you.

I'm sure we've all seen the effects of lolitis. Perhaps we have also acquired a mild form of it. I certainly have, for even in my most eloquent emails I have myself typed those dreaded and filthy acronyms such as "rofl", "lmao", and "omg". Yes, I hang my head in shame in acknowledgment of this terrible habit. But this is what happens when you enter American society.

If you pause your busy Starbucks-fueled, commercialistic lives for a moment, you will probably notice that illiteracy in America has become a real threat. In fact, sometimes when I talk to fellow adolescents these days, I'll use big works like "gobsmacked" and "defenestrate" and "capacious" and "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" or even "antidisestablishmentarianism" and the only response I get is a "Whut?" and a blank stare. And then I have to simplify my statement and use little words. Ex. "Walmart is the spawn of Satan and it's executives are capricious sadistic pricks who feel schadenfreude and are parsimonious monsters who are bent on monopolizing our economy and our country" turns into "The dudes who run Walmart are morons". With a sigh and a heavy heart, I realize that todays culture has disposed of our beateous language and substituted it with a slothful dialect.

It is only with relief that I find, at times, pockets of incredibly literate and loquacious adolescents grouped together on the internet. It is with pleasant surprise that I applaud these brave individuals who dedicate themselves to preserving the English language which has been described as a language that "follows other languages into dark alleys and mugs, rifling through their pockets for spare words."